I need to get this off my chest.
I havent slept. I havent eaten.
I smoked a few cigarettes today. A habit i tried so hard to break. I dont want to smoke. I just do when i break down. I know i am going to quit for good. It just hasnt been a good week.
Today has been one of the hardest days i have faced… Ever.
I asked Dylan if his ex sent him a nude back in March. He denied it, for the longest time. I learned this morning that he did in fact receive nudes from his ex.
I started making excuses and already began to forgive him and try to make it work still.
Then i learned that she in fact blew him while we were dating. And he made out with her. By the time it was around 3 pm.
My questions started progressing, and i started badgering him more and more. He admitted to having sex with her one time. (He thought, but couldnt remember). It was 5 pm.
Then after messaging his ex myself, I asked her what all i needed to know. I learned that they had a lot of Oral sex and a lot of regular sex through out my entire relationship.
He finally admitted to sleeping with her multiple times and having oral sex with her, multiple times.
I dont know what hurts me the most. Realizing that he cheated on me from 3 months of dating to 6 months of dating (As far as i know). Or the fact that that he took her to the same spot that we used to go, and in his car and in her car…. Without me having a single clue.
I dont know how he could possibly do that to someone he “loves”. He always went back to her. He always cheated on people with her. It was always her and is always her…. But now i am supposed to believe that i have changed him?…. That he is a better person because of me and that he is a changed me who only wants me?
WHAT THE HECK AM I DOING?…. WHY AM i STILL JUSTIFYING HIS ACTIONS?!
Why cant i just stop loving him?
Not to mention i have been going through a phase of panic because i feel like i have lung cancer or am going to develop it real soon. But i have only smoked like 3 in the past month and a half. I have made real progress. I just broke down a few times when i had a REALLY bad day. Mostly because of Dylan. Today i smoked 2 and i feel awful and cancer ridden. I know it was because i was broken and lost. But i want God to fix it already. To help me stop. To help guide me to the man that i will have a happy family with. I know i have hypochondria to the max. I just worry. I want to be healthy. Spiritually and mentally. Why cant i be?
I dont want God to punish me with lung cancer or kill me. I am just struggling. I am honestly trying. I just have my REALLY weak moments…
Why cant God fix me already?
I am so broken.
So i have just finished the majority of my packing for Seguin tomorrow. I am off to see Dylan for just Wednesday and Thursday night, and he is taking me to the train station on Friday morning. I have been so angry with him. For everything he has done to hurt me, for all the heartache, and all the confusion he put in my head! I hate to admit it but, i am kind of looking forward to the late night swim we are going to take, and falling asleep in his arms, and waking up to his beautiful face. I am so excited for the cuddling, the fast food errands, the movie night, the butterflies in my tummy and everything. I love him. I do. Which is why i have given him so many chances. You dont just open up to someone completely exposing who you are without knowing the risks of getting hurt. Just because he has made bad choices, doesnt mean i cant help him in the future to make better ones. One big step i have helped him with however is finally cutting out that one girl that is always going to talk to him and always ask him for sex and try to redeem him. Kristin May, You told him that you thought i was dragging him down… However, you have done nothing for him but solicit him for your sexual needs and try to cause drama… Its what you are best at. All you do is drag him down my dear. Let go. Cause he isnt replying anymore. Your manipulation has never been welcome. Find another man to dote on and paw at. Anyway, off topic. I have not given Dylan any chance to keep me in his life or in a relationship with him. I am only giving him this small window of opportunity. I am waiting to see how it goes. For what he has done, he doesnt deserve me.. However, when you love someone, you love all of them… Even the flaws, because thats the point. He has been kissing major ass this last week… And now when i see him tomorrow until Friday, It is his only window to get me back. Otherwise, i am staying out of his life. I have a long few days ahead of me.